Bloggers' Bloc? Naahh....

Though i wish it was. Or something sexy like Blogger Fatigue.

Truth is, between playing Florence Nightingale at home, with half my family -- and critically, the maid -- down with viral fever, and trying to set up a complicated shoot about an even more complicated, but nonetheless, very interesting subject (changing face of Dalits in India), I am often finding myself sleep deprived, and worse alcohol deprived. The latter seriously messes me up. I mean the lack of it, just in case you get the wrong idea.

I meant to keep this short and sweet. But just before I go, will leave any unsuspecting visitors to this blog and the usual suspects with these cheerful scraps of info I have been working with.

Every four hours a crime is committed against a Dalit in this country. Of every four gangrape victims, three are Dalits. The school dropout rate among Dalits is as high as 70 per cent. And simply because they happen to be at the lowest rung of the social and economic ladder, even those crimes which specifically don't target Dalits, end up hurting them the most.

This is not something a Dalit with a raging Ambedkar complex dreamt up. These are government of India statistics. I have never felt great about, or given any importance to, me being a Brahmin. Right now, though, I feel downright ashamed that I was born one.

On that cheery note, my dearest private yet so puiblic diary, I am off and will see you when I see you.

What's so hot about Lutyens Delhi

From Comrade Somnath Chatterjee to the messiah of the Muslims, Mulayam Singh Yadav. From our videshi icon, Sonia Gandhi to his swadeshi bete noire LK Advani. From the technocrat Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to the rustic Laloo Yadav.They all reside in this cosy comfort zone of colonial bungalows with lush green manicured lawns and servant quarters bigger than the average Delhi apartment. I am talking about that oasis of tranquility, surrounded on all sides by a city bursting at the seams, which answers to the name of Lutyens Delhi.

Nowhere in the world, from Comrade Carat's beloved communist China to the imperialist United States of America, from the impoverished nations of sub-Saharan Africa to the prosperous Western Europe, is there such an exclusive residential district for the country's politicians and bureaucrats. The upkeep and maintenance of which is paid for by you and me.

As Delhi grows vertically (simply because there is no empty space any more to expand horizontally), any building activity remains prohibited in Lutyen's Delhi. Ostensibly to maintain the aesthetic nature of that area.

Dearly departed Rajiv Gandhi, another man with exemplary asthetic taste, actually got a law passed that decreed the sanctity of the Lutyens bungalow zone must be maintained. The poor fellow was cut down in his prime. Methinks if he had been around longer, he would have surely built a multiplex on Shahjahan Road. So much more convenient for Rahul baba to get his Hollywood fix. Even Vajpayeeji could have seen his favourite Hindi movies there, without stepping out of his comfort, oops I mean bungalow zone.

Hey, but what about us? The Chakravartys and Chaddhas who spent a small fortune to buy flats and houses in different parts of a Delhi in the 1970s and 1980s, a Delhi that was until then unspoilt by the mindless building boom that has overtaken it since? What about maintaining the asthetic sense of the place I live in? What about my private slice of sunlight whose entry into my bedroom window has been blocked by the monstrosity that has come up next door, simply because I happened to live in a house that wasn't located in Lutyen's Delhi?

Have you ever heard a squeak from any member of the Indian Left, the self appointed champion of India's toiling masses, about this den of inequity? You would think an anti-imperialist party like the CPI(M) would have nothing to do with something as steeped in colonial history as the Lutyens Bungalow Zone. The left parties protest about the docking of USS Nimitz in Chennai, they cry hoarse about atrocities in Nicaragua, and they shed tears for the hungry in Sudan. But nary a word about the prime piece of real estate on which the India's ruling elite reside.

And, honestly, why pick on just the Left? The Manmohan Singh government makes all the right noises about ushering in a market economy and doing away with subsidies. Most members of that government live off water and electricity supplied at highly subsidized rates in Lutyen's Delhi. Most importantly, the supply of both is uninterrupted , 24 x 7. Phone lines are never down in this land of plenty.

Despite that subsidy, unrealised water and electricity bills from India's political elite run into crores of rupees. The dubious list of defaulters reads like the Who's Who of Indian politics. And such is the love for life in this beautiful part of India's capital city, that several occupants of these colonial mansions simply refuse to vacate the premises even when they have lost in the elections and thereby lost the right to live there.

And now as if free water, electricity and telephones were not enough, to ease the miserable life of our country's first citizens, the New Delhi Municipal Council has decided to subsidize internet connectivity in the area. An NDMC team is visiting Bangalore to meet up with Infosys honchos and discuss ways to make Lutyens Delhi a wifi zone. I checked with a friend in the Delhi government if entire Delhi could be converted into a wifi zone. He gave me a look which suggested he was deeply concerned about my mental well being.

Lutyens Delhi is not by the far the only or even the worst den of inequity. But it is more in-your-face than others, you pass by it, you read about its residents in newspapers and watch them on TV preach and pontificate us ad nauseum about the life we should lead, and then lead the life they lead. You drive through Lutyens Delhi, look at those bungalows and idly wonder: "Tumhara ghar mere ghar se zyada safed kyon hai?" To me it is a bit like what Bastille was to the average Frenchman during the times of Luis XVIth, a constant reminder of a life beyond his reach.

I invite the socialist, secular democratic rulers of India to step out of that cocoon of comfort and see how the lesser mortals live. May be live in a flat in Rajouri Garden or a house in Lajpat Nagar. Face electricity shortages in South Delhi and deal with water shortages in west and north Delhi and have a nodding acquaintance with the unfortunate neighbour whose son or daughter became the latest victim of Blueline rage.

Many many years ago, an Indian prince stepped out of his royal palace and witnessed firsthand the lives of the common people. The experience proved to be life altering for him. May be modern India's rulers need to borrow a leaf out of that book.

And who knows, come election time next time round, when they don their starched khadis, fold their hands and oh-so-humbly tell us how they are one of us, I just might buy that story without choking on my food!

A Nice Line, An Interesting Thought...

It isn't time that is passing by, it is you and me ...

Bollywood is Praying for a Bull Run

2006 would always have been a tough act to follow. A year when the box office sizzled with mega hits and a bunch of young, talented, new age film makers promised to take Bollywood where it had never gone before.

A year when Rakesh Roshan gave Indians their first superhero in Kkrishh and Karan Johar gave us his take on adultery in Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehna. A year when Munnabhai met the Mahatma and Omkara met Othello, and Rahul Bose met a fully-clothed Malika Sherawat. A year that began with Rang De Basanti and ended with Dhoom 2. A year when the usually reclusive Aamir Khan had two releases, both superhits, and Farhan Akhtar let Shahrukh Khan mouth that memorable line : "Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin, namumkin bhi hai."A year when Bollywood laughed all the way to the bank.

After a year like that, 2007 clearly had its task cut out. Yet there was an optimism in the air, after two happy years of box office business. But things haven't followed the script this year. As flops have piled up, hits have been few and far in between, with the notable exception of Guru, Namaste London, Shootout in Lokhandwala and Life in a Metro, and the sleeper hit, Bheja Fry.

The year started badly with Nikhil Advani's Salaam-e-Ishq bombing spectacularly at the box office. Then Vidhu Vinod Chopra's Eklavya won ciritcal acclaim, but was cold shouldered by the masses. And now Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, touted as YashRaj Films' showpiece of the year, has sunk without a trace. Shaad Ali who gave us Saathiya and Bunty Aur Babli, tried to be too cute with his new film, and ended up being acute.

Ram Gopal Verma's Nishabd floundered with Jia Khan looked sultry, but also terribly miscast as Amitabh Bachchan's love interest. Cheeni Kum came a couple of months later and proved the audience was ready top accept Big B wooing women half his age provided the movie was well directed. Tabu looked simply fabulous and acted even better.

Yet through this maze of hits and misses, few indicators have emerged that point the way towards the future of Indian showbiz. Spiderman 3 has been a whopping success across the country. Dubbed in Hindi, Tamil, Telegu and yes Bhojpuri, the friendly neigbourhood Spidey has done roaring business not just in the big metros but even in mofussil India. Shrek 3 is having a good run at the Indian box office too.

And the biggest moneyspinner of the year so far has been Shivaji, starring Rajnikant. In India alone the movie has so far done Rs. 95 crore worth business. The movie could well earn over Rs. 200 crores.

When you are in the business of selling dreams, optimism is often the only way forward. So after -- and despite -- a summer of discontent, Bollywood is looking towards a handful of movies slated for release during the second half of this year to shore up its bottomline.

Leading the biggies are Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Saawariya and Ashutosh Gowrikar's Jodhaa Akbar. Both are big budget extravaganzas in true Bollywood ishtyle.

Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh's son Ranbeer and Anil Kapoor's daughter, Sonam are being launched as romantic leads in Saawariya. Bhansali's lucky mascot, Salman Khan and Rani Mukherji also star in what is being touted as the year's biggest movie. The movie is scheduled for a Diwali release.

Hrithik Roshan and Aisharya Rai, who set the screen alight last year in Dhoom 2, come together in Gowariker's historical epic, Jodhaa Akbar. It remains to be seen if they can reproduce the same chemistry in a movie that Gowariker has described as a historical with a romantic angle.

Bollywood's biggest production house, Yash Raj films has three films slated for release this year -- Chak De India, starring the bankable Sharukh Khan, Aja Nach Le, the comeback vehicle of Madhuri Dixit and Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, starring Abhishek Bachchan, Rani Mukherji, Konkona Sen Sharma and Kunal Kapoor.

Chak De India, directed by Shamit Amin who impressed with Ab Tak Chhappan, is loosely based on the real life story of former Indian hockey goalkeeper Mir Ranjan Negi who let in seven goals as India went down to its arch rival Pakistan, 1-7 in the 1982 Asian Games. Negi never played for India again, but redeemed himself twenty years later as the coach of the Indian women's hockey team which went on to win the gold in the 2002 Manchester Commonwealth Games.

Laaga Chunari Mein Daag is director Pradeep Sarkar's second movie after his critically acclaimed debut, Parineeta. The film is a remake of a 70s Rajesh Khanna-Mumtaz starrer, Aina. Rani and Konkona play daughters of Jaya Bachchan and Anupam Kher. It is the story of two sisters who move from their small town home to big bad Mumbai.

Like Pradeep Sarkar, choreographer Farah Khan is coming with her second film as director, Om Shanti Om, which pairs the stunning Deepika Padukone, daughter of former Badminton ace Prakash Padukone opposite King Khan. The story revolves round a reincarnated Shahrukh Khan.

Then there is David Dhawan's Partner, starring Salman Khan and Govinda. Katrina Kaif and Lara Dutta (two gorgeous women and two very good reasons why I should watch this, first day, first show) provide the eye candy. Govinda is confident that his off-screen partnership with director and long time friend David Dhawan and his on screen chemistry with Salman Khan will ensure the move is a big hit.

But the movies I am most looking forward to are Taare Zammen Paar, Gandhi, My Father and Blue Umbrella.

The story of a dyslexic child, Taare Zameen Par marks the debut of Aamir Khan as a director. It is co-directed by Aamir and Amol Gupte who has written the film's story. After Lagaan, Taare... is Aamir's second home production. It is the reclusive actor's only release this year.

Actor Anil Kapoor is launching his production house with Gandhi, My Father, a film about Mahatma Gandhi's personal life, his relationship with his eldest son Harilal Gandhi, played by Akshaye Khanna. The buzz is Khanna has come up with a performance of a lifetime.

The movie, directed by Feroz Abbas Khan, veteran theatre director, is perhaps the first one to look closely into Mahatma Gandhi's personal life. I have been a great fan of the director ever since I watched his Tumhari Amrita, an unforgettable theatrical experience. It remains to be seen whether he proves as adept at handling films as he is with theatre.

Rounding off the list of my favourite films is Blue Umbrella. The movie has already done the festival circuit, winning critical acclaim for director Vishal Bhardawaj and is now slated for commercial release in the latter half of this year. Also known as Chatri Chor, the film is a heart-warming adaptation of a novella of the same name by Ruskin Bond. It stars old Bhardwaj favourite, Pankaj Kapur, in a lead role.

The fare for the next six months promises to be interesting, a potpourri of comedies, period dramas, remakes and typical Bollywood extravaganzas. Only a crystalball gazer could predict their fate at the box office. Lesser mortals like me will just faithfully queue up, Friday, first show.

Search for India's Condom Man

When I ventured into blogspace the first time, one of the few promises I had made to myself was I will try to keep the blog as diverse as possible, and not repeat myself. That doesn't seem to be quite working right now, as I am back to talking about condoms.

The provocation this time is a news item in which the National AIDS Control Organization (NACO) chief Sujatha Rao has said that India needed to find someone like the Thailand cabinet minister Mechai Viravaidya, famous for getting Thais to talk about sex, condoms and AIDS. Despite high incidence of AIDS, India suffers from chronic low usage of condoms.

"We are serious about finding India's very own Mr Condom," Rao was quoted as saying after visiting Thailand to study its dramatic increase in condom use over the past decade, which contributed to a sharp fall in new HIV infections.

"He has to feel passionately about the cause as Mechai does. He should have a dynamic personality to change both government policy and public perceptions about HIV/AIDS, sex and condoms," Rao said.

I thought of lending Ms Rao a helping hand in her noble venture of finding India's own Condom Man, and went through a shortlist that came to my mind.

I began with the nation's politicos. A lot of them are engaging conversationalists, can start discussions on any subject. And despite allegations to the contrary, a few of them do have the nation's best interests close to their hearts. So why not one of them?

Rahul Gandhi? He could encash on the family image to start discussions on the subject. Besides, after the drubbing in Uttar Pradesh, he does desperately need an issue to catch the public eye. The Condom Man could just be his ticket to greater fame. Though the jury is still out on whether he is engaging enough to start and keep a national discussion going, he could well be the right man for this job. Also if he says 'aye', momma is going to ensure the entire state machinery was used to make the campaign a success.

If you wanted a more earthy appeal, one could always go for the colourful Indian railway minister Laloo Yadav. There is hardly a more engaging conversationalist in the public domain than the former chief minister of Bhar. But you don't want to push a man who has fathered a dozen odd children as the nation's Condom Man. Apart from that solitary tick against him, I can't think of any other reason why the man can't do the job Ms Rao wants our Condom Man to do.

I thought of a lot of other names, before discarding them quickly for one reason or the other. Some were just too old, others you thought wouldn't look quite convincing while promoting condom usage on television or other public forums.

Once I moved away from politicians, the first two names that immediately came to my mind were, of course, Amitabh Bachchan and Shahrukh Khan. Between the two of them, King Khan and Big B have endorsed most things available on God's earth, except for nuclear weapons and condoms. You can get either, even better, both of them to endorse different condom brands. They could talk about condoms on TV, preach the message of their usage in their films. Or Ms Rao can even get them to take turns to host a show on the lines of KBC. Instead of a quiz of general knowledge, this time the focus could be on condoms. We could have a KPC, Kaun Pahenega Condom (Who Will Wear A Condom) instead of a KBC.

So my first choice is bit of an either-or choice. It could be Bachchan Senior. And it very well could be Shahrukh. If not them, then....

... How about Rajnikant? Can you visualise him, exhorting viewers to have a little chitchat about condoms just before the start of every screening of Shivaji, his latest blockbuster? What if he were to announce that everyone purchasing a ticket for the movie would have to purchase a condom too? Can you imagine the spurt in condom sales? The campaign would be a stupendous success, given Rajni's phenomenal fan following in the south India.

If you are looking for a similar impact in the eastern part of the country, then the best bet would be Sourav Ganguly. The former Indian cricket captain could wax eloquent on how important it is for a batsman to have the right rubber on the bat handle. If Dada says he uses condoms, a large part of Kolkata, and Bengal, might suddenly become more condom-friendly.

But, nothing like Bollywood biggies to drive home the message though. Apart from Big B and King Khan, there is Karan Johar. Seriously, guys, what do you think about Karan Johar as a condom ambassador?

We could have a chat show like Kondom with Karan, a la Koffee with Karan. And Karan asking Bollywood studs Salman Khan or Sunjay Dutt probling questions like "So, when did you first use a condom?" Oh, the mouthwatering prospect of a whole nation glued to their TV sets waiting to hear the answer to that one. And the piece de resistance at the end of the programme -- a condom hamper for the participant. Not just condom sales, I can visualise the TRP ratings going through the roof.

And once condoms are spelt with a K on Karan Johar's show, I'm sure even Ekta Kapoor may be persuaded to support the Kondom campaign. She might start a new soap. And who knows one day, Mera Kondom, Sirf Mera Hai on Star Plus may compete with Mujhe Mere Kondoms Lauta Do on Zee Network. Oh it's such a pity Ms. Kapoor is a woman, she would have been a top contender for the job. But the job profile in this case demands the candidate to be only a male.

Abhishek Bachchan? Fellow's got newly married. A perfect candidate to talk about condom usage you would think. Honestly though he doesn't exactly grab you as a national condom icon, does he?

If you look away from Bollywood, how about our Kapil Paaji (brother)? The man who appeared on our TV screens allthose years ago and said with such style, Palmolive da jawab nahin. I can close my eyes and picture him saying just as easily : Kohinoor da jawab nahin. I mean why not? He's as macho as they come and has a terrific following in Jatland. For the Haryanvis the message would be loud and clear -- if a son of the soil like Kapil Paaji can use a condom, then why not them.

Looking beyond Bollywood and cricket, there's the adman Suhel Seth. Since you are looking for someone who can talk about condoms, get a discussion going on the subject, then who better than Suhel? Over the past few years, I can't remember a television discussion that didn't feature him. From Indo-US nuclear deal to rise in sex crimes in the national capital to gay marriages to price rise, the man can talk endlessly till the cows go home. Or he can talk till you decide to become a condom user. Only if it is to shut him up.

So, you see, a myriad of possibilities. An interesting list of people to choose from and I am sure Ms. Rao would be considering a clutch of other names, too.

May the best man win. Amen.

When She Speaks, I Want to Listen ...

I hadn't read this interview when it was first published. Then, a while ago, while randomly surfing the net, I came across this interview of Arundhati Roy in Tehelka. An interview from December 2005. I have never quite fathomed what Arundhati Roy's politics is. I have been part of discussions on the same subject, at times even contributed to those discussions, without knowing much about what I was talking about. That is something journalism teaches you anyway. The ability to BS in an engaging manner. But this interview of Ms. Roy, I found interesting and at places, like her prose, almost mesmerising. Posted below are excerpts from that freewheeling interview.

....In India we are at the moment witnessing a sort of fusion between corporate capitalism and feudalism — it’s a deadly cocktail. We see it unfolding before our eyes. Sometimes it looks as though the result of all this will be a twisted implementation of the rural employment guarantee act. Half the population will become Naxalites and the other half will join the security forces and what Bush said will come true. Everyone will have to choose whether they’re with “us” or with the “terrorists”. We will live in an elaborately administered tyranny....

...Those who understand and disagree with the repressive machinery of the State are more or less divided between the Gandhians and the Maoists. Sometimes — quite often — the same people who are capable of a radical questioning of, say, economic neo-liberalism or the role of the state, are deeply conservative socially — about women, marriage, sexuality, our so-called ‘family values’ — sometimes they’re so doctrinaire that you don’t know where the establishment stops and the resistance begins. For example, how many Gandhian/Maoist/ Marxist Brahmins or upper caste Hindus would be happy if their children married Dalits or Muslims, or declared themselves to be gay? Quite often, the people whose side you’re on, politically, have absolutely no place for a person like you in their social, cultural or religious imagination. That’s a knotty problem… politically radical people can come at you with the most breathtakingly conservative social views and make nonsense of the way in which you have ordered your world and your way of thinking about it… and you have to find a way of accommodating these contradictions within your worldview...

...In India, the political anti-establishment can be socially very conservative (Bring on the gay Gandhians!) and can put a lot of pressure on you to become something which may not necessarily be what you want to be: they want you to dress in a particular way, be virtuous, be sacrificing, it’s a sort of imaginary and quite often faulty extrapolation of what the middle class assumes the ‘people’, the ‘masses’ want and expect. It can be maddening, and I want to say like Bunty in Bunty aur Babli, ‘Mujhe yeh izzat aur sharafat ki zindagi se bachao…’ There are all kinds of things that work to dull, leaden your soul…to weigh you down…

RSS and the Business of Pleasure

Oh, the poor, poor Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh. For the boys in khaki, life has been on a downward spiral since those heady days of the Gujarat riots of 2002 when the Moslems were taught that M-O-D-I wasn't just a four-letter word. Since then, though, the successes have been few and far in between, and the list of failures is growing.

Recently, the Bharatiya Janata Party had its nose bloodied at the hustings in Uttar Pradesh. And even within the party, the blame was laid at the door of the posterboy of the Sangh, Rajnath Singh, the pracharak (campaigner) who had made it to the highest party office in the BJP.

As if the flak over the UP debacle wasn't enough, now the fornicating billion (It is logical, silly, you have to fornicate and fornicate a lot to get to a billion and more) are upto their nasty tricks. Thankfully nothing eludes the hawkeyed boys in khaki. So they eventually caught up with the dastardly act of mixing the business of sex with a lot of pleasure.

I am referring to the issue of vibrating condoms, that has stirred the nation and shaken the Swayamsevak rank and file.

Apparently, the pack of three condoms, branded as Crezendo, contains a battery-operated ring-like device. Once the battery is switched on, the device works pretty much like a vibrator. A promotional message from the company, Hindustan Latex Limited, describes Crezendo as a product that "provides ultimate pleasure by producing strong vibrations."

The company had launched Crezendo three months ago. At that time no one said anything about the vibrating ring. But now the truth is in the open. We know now that the vibrating condom is in fact a vibrator and a condom, thanks to the alertness of a Sangh loyalist in the Madhya Pradesh government, Kailash Vijayvargiya.

An angry Vijayvargiya told the BBC recently, "The government's job is to promote family planning and population control measures, rather than market products for sexual pleasure." Subsequently, a company spokesman for Hindustan Latex Limited has confessed the vibrating ring was "a pleasure enhancer", but insisted it was not a "sex toy".

Naughty, that. Sex is ok, according to the RSS, and even according to the Indian government. But pleasure? We all know, that's not on. It is only for a good reason that sex toys are banned in India.

As redfaced HLL officials go blue in the face explaining the finer differences between a sex toy and a pleasure enhancer, the good Sanghi, Vijayvargiya has dashed off a letter to prime minister Manmohan Singh, warning that the sale of sex toys in India would have "severe consequences in society".

Many years ago, and only after much deliberations at the RSS headquarters in Nagpur, it was decided to okay the use of condoms. But not without reservations, for the Sangh has never looked favourably upon any sexual act that doesn't lead to procreation, and the condom is specifically meant to prevent procreation.

However, one thing helped swing the vote in favour of the condoms. Almost all its users had unequivocally stressed that it lowered the pleasure level during intercourse. Now that mightily pleased the RSS bosses. They knew what pleasure could do. For one thing, it could make people happy. Happy people are inclined to think independently and have been historically known to fight firecely for the independence of their thought process. If allowed to be happy, who knows what they might think of the RSS tomorrow, reasoned the reasonable men of RSS. So, they, in principle, okayed the use of condom.

But this vbirating condom is clearly a bit of a much. Expecting the RSS to do nothing about it is stretching the Sangh generosity beyond a level even a condom maker can't guarantee its highest quality rubber to do.

Though sex toys are officially banned in this country, in Delhi's underground market (a physical fact, not to be mistaken as a metaphor) Palika Bazar, one can buy a range of vibrators. Other toys like strapon dildos and customised sex dolls can be discretely supplied if one so desired.

I asked one of the suppliers if the business wasn't fraught with risks and if he feared a backlash from the RSS or other custodians of Indian culture. His response was rather interesting. "Nahi (no) sir, it is because of their continued hostility the government can't officially allow the import of sex toys. Which is good for our business." The demand is always high and the margins are very good, he said with a grin. The inflated dolls, I gathered, are sold at rather inflated prices.

Meanwhile, my own investigations into the offending, I mean vibrating, condom has reached a cul de sac of sorts. I checked with my friendly neighbourhood chemist and he said he had run out of the vibrating condoms. All the controversy was very good for the business. "They just vanished off my shelves," he said. Elsewhere, HLL is understood to have taken the confoms off the shelves after being made aware of their erring ways by Mr. Vijayvargiya.

So, for now, the hardworking Swayamsevaks can heave a sigh of relief. If the much-venerated RSS mouthpiece, The Organiser was anything like a Times of India or a Hindustan Times, the next issue might even have carried the story of the successful campaign against vibrating condoms, with RSS IMPACT printed in bold.

I have this naughty naughty friend who is into these inflated dolls and first told me about their availability in Palika Bazar. Clearly a heathen himself, he has no understanding at all about the workings of the RSS. He is worried if the boys in khaki, emboldened by the stunning success of the campaign against vibrating condoms might muscle into influencing other areas of sexual behaviour. I asked him, like what? Like the RSS leadership doesn't have anything else on its mind.

But that is beyond the comprehension of lesser mortals like him. So he continued to pester me with his unending queries : "Umm, what if the RSS tomorrow said masturbation was bad too and banned it. I mean that too gives you pleasure and doesn't contribute in any way to procreation."

Admittedly, he had a point there. There was the issue of pleasure involved and also no connection with procreation. And then my clarity of thought, my wisdom, honed for years by the Sangh's way of thinking, returned.

Silly fellow, I told him, how can any organisation with swayam seva (self help) as its central theme be ever opposed to masturbation? Now, THAT shut up the thick head for good.